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Mystery Illness
On the Monday evening, Day 10 (the day on which I wrote the preceding page) I perked up and felt better.
Tuesday, Day 11. Felt odd all day. Slightly faint, as if I had a slight temperature. Feeling weak, chilly, can't face much physical activity. Slight tingling sensation in my fingers. Some anxiety. But I don't feel anything like as bad as I did last week. Temperature is normal (I've bought a thermometer - better late than never), appetite good. Still drinking lots of water, about 2 litres a day. At 4pm started to feel better.
Wednesday, Day 12. Still feeling below par. A little unwell and some mild anxiety. Felt better for an hour or so around midday, then not so well in the afternoon. However, I think the symptoms are less than they were yesterday.
Thursday, Day 13. Feeling physically and mentally stronger and more energetic. A bit of a dip between 3pm and 5pm, but again the symptoms are less than yesterday.
Friday, Day 14. Oh dear. Had a nasty attack early afternoon. Suddenly started to feel unwell, all the colour drained from my face and I felt chilled and grim for an hour. For the following couple of hours felt very weak and very thirsty and needing to pee every 10 minutes. I am feeling worse today than I have all week. Will this never end?
Saturday, Day 15. Felt a bit unwell all afternoon and evening but I did not have an acute attack like the one I had yesterday.
Sunday, Day 16. Felt anxious and panicky particularly in the evening, so much so that I emailed a chap coming to a course I am due to run in 3 weeks time saying it may not run. Panic indeed.
Monday, Day 17. Awoke feeling depressed. This is the first real depression I have had. Very anxious, focused on the course in 3 weeks time - thinking I will not be able to do it. Made an appointment to see the doctor - but can't get an appointment until a week on Wednesday! Started taking multivitamin tablets - one this morning, and a banana.
Tuesday, Day 18. Feeling apprehensive and off colour in the morning. Banana and multivitamin tablet for breakfast. I am getting very tired very easily.
Wednesday, Day 19. Banana and multivitamin tablet for breakfast. I spoke to the doctor on the phone and explained that I usually start to feel unwell early afternoon, the colour drains from face, my feet go cold, I feel a bit shaky and unwell and an hour or so later I start to feel anxious. He said this was to be expected and prescribed Librium - 20 tablets to be taken 3 a day. I picked up the prescription full of optimism - at last something that would stop this terrible anxiety. At 4.40 I took one Librium. By 5pm I was getting a headache. By 5.10 I was feeling groggy. By 5.30 I was having a full on panic attack. I rang the doctor at 6pm saying the Librium was having exactly the opposite to the desired effect. He said perhaps Valium might be better and said I could pick up a prescription (for 21 5mg tablets) the following morning. But by 6.30 I was feeling fine and I then felt great until about 10pm. Then started to feel groggy. Woke up at 3.30am with a headache and couldn't sleep for 2 hours.
Thursday, Day 20. Awoke at 9.45am as if with a mild hangover! Banana and multivitamin tablet for breakfast. I read somewhere that multivitamins help get over the withdrawal. Not quite sure why I've started eating bananas. At 1pm started to feel unwell but this time hot and sweaty with pungent armpits - similar to how I was in week 1 but nothing like as bad. Maybe this is withdrawal from that Librium tablet I had yesterday? Although feeling groggy, I felt only mildly anxious - maybe that is a good sign? A bit better by 4pm. I have not taken a Valium as I want to let the effects of the Librium clear from my system first. Strange fizzing sensation all over my body for about 10 seconds around 7pm.
This has all been going on for nearly three weeks now. After the first 9 days I really thought I was over it but it just seems to linger on and on. Nobody has told me how long the symptoms of withdrawing from alcohol last. I am lucky in one respect: I cannot face the thought of drinking alcohol. Alcohol made me feel unwell on and off for years (I'm presuming that alcohol is indeed the cause!) and I do not want to have to go through these withdrawal symptoms ever again. I had been drinking for roughly 15 years. Never thought I had a "drink problem". How wrong can you be.
I have just found this website Alcohol Withdrawal which says: "...the withdrawal syndrome following long-term, heavy drinking is a much more serious disorder that can last from months to years." Oh shit. I just hope that my six bottles of wine a week doesn't qualify as heavy drinking...
Friday, Day 21. Oh dear. Hot and sweaty and feeling a bit grim during the morning. I hope this is the effects of the Librium I took 2 days ago rather than the alcohol withdrawal starting up again in earnest. Started to feel a bit better at lunchtime but all afternoon I was sweaty and feeling a bit under the weather and my feet and hands were very cold. However, I don't think I am feeling as anxious and panicky as I usually feel when I am this sweaty and cold and groggy.
Saturday, Day 22. In the morning felt weak and feeble but not sweaty or shaky. Slightly sweaty, clammy and a little bit under the weather from 4pm, but only a quarter as bad as yesterday. Took a Valium at 5pm as an experiment. It made me feel lightheaded for an hour but otherwise seemed to have no effect - positive or negative. Took 1/2 a Valium at 10pm. Valium stays in the body for days so small top up doses should keep the level in my body enough to keep the panic at bay - that's my theory anyway! I am having a multi vitamin tablet and a banana every day. I have a reasonably good diet anyway with meat, vegetables, fish, yogurt, red fruit, etc. For the record I'm 5ft 11ins and 10 stone (140lbs) - always have been skinny.
Sunday, Day 23. Took 1/3 of a Valium tablet at 10am. Felt weak and groggy from 11.00 to 2pm but felt "ordinarily" unwell as opposed to withdrawal-y unwell. Had a passion for chocolate at 2pm and ate loads. Maybe my blood sugar level was low this morning...? A bit below par but passable during the afternoon but almost felt normal in the evening. Took 1/6 of a Valium (about 1mg) at 2.20pm, 7.10pm and 10.50pm. My theory is to keep just enough Valium in my system to keep panic peaks away. This may be medical nonsense I don't know! However, I have read that Valium has a half life of 36-200 hours in the body. So, if the half life was, say, 48 hours, 48 hours after taking a Valium half of it would still be in your body. On that basis if 1 Valium tablet is, for me, enough to keep the panic away taking 1 tablet per day should be enough but to avoid peaks and troughs I have cut each tablet into sixths and will take one sixth every 4-5 hours or so. However I am fairly sure that during the first week of withdrawal it would have taken a huge dose of Valium to stop the severe anxiety I experienced then.
Monday, Day 24. Took 1/6 Valium at 8.20am then went back to bed until 10am. When I got up I felt not too bad. Tinge of anxiety at 11.20am so took another 1/6. Very slight dip into very mild symptoms around 2pm then felt a bit sweaty but only very slightly off colour during the afternoon. Today is the first day I've felt more or less OK: in normal circumstances the amount of unwellness I have felt today may even have gone unremarked upon. 10.00pm took another 1/6 of a Valium tablet.
Tuesday, Day 25. Awoke at 4am feeling restless (probably nothing to do with all of this) and took 1/6 Valium. Got up at 7.30 - early for me - and had a bacon sandwich, multivitamin tablet and banana for breakfast before 8am. I hardly ever have breakfast and never that early. Had the energy to clean the kitchen and even do some lawn mowing. Further 1/6ths at 10.40am, 4.30pm and 10.30pm. Drinking loads of green tea.
Wednesday, Day 26. Didn't wake up until 10.15am and felt as if I had a mild hangover! Maybe it was too much green tea yesterday. Took 1/6 Valium at 10.30. Saw (a different) doctor at 4.50pm. Asked for enough Valium to keep me going until I have to run a course in 2 weeks time. She prescribed 24 tablets. She said it's best never to drink again - not that a glass of wine every now and again would be harmful but an occasional one becomes a regular one becomes a regular two and before you know it you're overdoing it again. However, although at the moment I still do not fancy a drink, I am confident that I will be able to have a glass just, say, on weekend evenings without getting on a slippery slope. We shall see. Some mild sweating and a tinge of anxiety late afternoon, but I have felt more or less normal today. Took 1/3 of a Valium at 5.15 as I have under-dosed so far in the last 124 hours. I now view taking the Valium as precautionary - making sure the anxiety does not return.
Thursday, Day 27. Took 1/6ths at 4.15am (yes!), 8.45am and 1.20pm. This may be tempting fate, but I think I am more or less over the alcohol withdrawal symptoms. The slight sweating I am still getting occasionally would go unnoticed were I not looking out for it. Felt OK in the afternoon so did not take any more Valium
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Friday, Day 28. No Valium today. Felt fine. It's taken a month but, fingers crossed, I think I am over it.
Week 5, Days 29-35. Saturday Day 29 fine, but Sunday Day 30 anxiety started to return, so took a little Valium. Monday to Friday feeling a little panicky at times, and unwell, tired and very irritable on one day. Felt terrible on Friday and spend the day in bed and slept for 18 in the last 24 hours.
Week 6, Days 36-42. Saturday Day 36: no energy yet feeling very restless. Sunday: I was due to run a course starting Tuesday but felt I simply did not have the stamina to be able to do it, so cancelled it. Oh dear. Monday and Tuesday made the effort to get out and do some gardening. Taking a 1/6ths of a Valium tablet to try and wean myself off them. Wednesday had to get up early to take the car for a service - felt irrationally nervous and anxious, but that improved after taking a 1/6th of a Valium. Thursday Day 41: saw a friend who is also a councillor who leant me some books on cognitive therapy, NLP and other techniques for beating anxiety and depression - even though they are caused by brain chemistry. I am now taking two 1/6th of a Valium tablet per day - just under 2mg per day.
Week 7, Days 43-49. Starting Saturday Day 43 I cut down to 1/6th of a Valium tablet per day - under 1mg. But I experienced withdrawal symptoms all week. Not too severe, but feeling unwell, queasy, sweating and very cold feet.
Week 8, Days 50-57. Despite the symptoms I decided to stop taking the Valium altogether and ride out the withdrawal. Felt pretty bad all week, worse than last week for sure. the symptoms vary but sometimes it's as if you've caught flu: feeling grim, sweaty and feverish. But despite the flu-like symptoms no temperature.
Week 9, Days 58-64. Saturday Day 58: I have had no Valium for a week but still feel bad. Valium hangs around
in the body for a very long time. It's half life is up to 8 days. I.E. after 8 days half of what you took is
still in the body. Only after 3 weeks has just about all of it left the body. All the while the body has to
adjust its chemistry to compensate for the lack of the drug. It is depressing just thinking about how long this is taking.
Had I known that you can get withdrawal symptoms from Valium I never would have taken it, or at least I would have
stopped taking it much sooner.
The alcohol withdrawal symptoms - and maybe withdrawal from Valium? - have lasted for six weeks so far.
On reflection, I gave up drinking in precisely the wrong way - not that I knew at the time I was
stopping drinking. I had a skin full and then stopped altogether. Not wise. Apparently the way to do it is to cut down
for a week or so and then stop. I presume this lessens the withdrawal symptoms. The way I did it probably made them
a lot worse! But when I stopped drinking I didn't know that I had an alcohol dependence and I didn't know
that I was stopping drinking.
I left the tale at 9 weeks. Things were still bad after 6 months - panickiness, occasional shaking attacks, feeling ill a lot of the time, quite unable to contemplate going abroad on holiday. I had a panic attack in a theatre 5 months after giving up the booze. After 8 months I was still ill and felt my life was over. All I wanted to do was nothing - to have nothing in my diary, because anything in prospect that I had to do - even "nice" things - provoked anxiety and panickiness. I entered a period of mental desperation - desolation really. Suicide seemed attractive.
My GP recommended an alcohol withdrawal group. Nice to have a chat with sufferers once a week but the main thrust was avoiding drinking again, which I was never tempted to do. The group was not designed to help with my sort of problem.
After 10 months, in desperation I went to a hypnotherapist. Three sessions with her helped. It was not a sudden total miracle cure but it did lift my mental desperation and definitely helped. After 11 months I went to a theatre. I sat on the end of a row and the theatre was small and only half full, but I had no tinge of panic and really enjoyed it.
I was definitely getting better. But when I laid down in bed at night I still felt as though I was shaking - just an internal tremor. When I had nothing anxiety-provoking in the offing I began to have whole days when I did not feel unwell at any time during the day. That was progress.
But under stress that terrible feeling of unwellness - caused by anxiety I assume - returned.
It's now 18 months. In the past few months I have started to go to bed at night looking forward to the next day rather than hoping the next day would not come. I have stopped tremoring when lying in bed. I do not wake up sweating. I no longer feel cold - last year I sometimes felt cold even on the warmest days: my internal thermal generator seems to be back in working order.
But under stress I still feel unwell - though it's not as bad as it was last year. Before all this started I used to jet off to Spain for the odd week here and there, and really looked forward to it. Now I feel I could get on a plane and go to Spain but the prospect would probably make me feel unwell (because of the irrational anxiety) and I don't want to jet off to Spain. I am happiest - and I do feel happy which I didn't for a whole year - when at home. But still the prospect even of going out for a meal with friends unsettles me.
So, I have my life back. For a year I lived with no joie de vivre whatsoever - now I have it back some of the time.
I'm pretty much 100% OK 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time some degree of blackness returns.